How to bribe a judge

By Salil Jose

I was asked to appear in a court in connection with a rash driving case which caused self-injury. A constable in the Traffic Investigation department called me up and said: “Come to court tomorrow; we’ll finish off the case.”
‘Take enough money. You need to keep many people happy in the court’ - I reminded myself as I set out to court the next day.
I wouldn’t waste money on autorickshaw. I should channel that money too to bribe some officials in the court to expedite my case.
“Sir, auto…,” an auto driver stopped his vehicle seeing me walk.
“No. I don’t have money to waste,” I said.
“I don’t expect money from you. I can give you a free lift,” he said.
“Really?! Then drop me in front of the court.”
A man who appeared to be a court official gave me a concerned look. “Sir, there is a case against me. I want to finish it off fast. Would you take bribe from me,” I asked.
“No. No way.”
Why wouldn’t he accept bribe? Did he think I was there for a sting operation?
I met the cop who had called me up the previous day.
“Let’s have tea,” I suggested.
“Sure.”
We had tea, but the cop wouldn’t let me pay for it. “I will pay,” he said.
Oh! What happened to our policemen? Maybe, this guy would furnish the complete bill once the case was over...
The cop introduced me to a lawyer who would submit the admission of offence in the court.
The judge fined me Rs 750 for rash driving.
My lawyer wouldn’t take fee from me.
“Sir, it is your fee.”
“That’s okay. No need,” he said.
Once the lawyer left us alone, I looked into the cop’s eyes to check whether there was any ‘cop’ious expectation.
“Sir, how much do you expect from me,” I asked him.
“No. I wouldn’t take anything from you,” he said.
While I was walking back home from the court, yet another auto driver offered me a free lift.
“Dear friend, what has happened to you people? Nobody is accepting money from me.”
“Who would expect money from a sorry figure like you who limp along with bandages all over?,” he said.
“Do you mean to say this is why nobody took bribe from me?”
“Of course.”
Mmm…Had the judg